She starts to dream and then she stops herself: SHAE.

Shae by Mesha Maren
My rating: 4.5 of 5 stars

This story is horrifyingly brutal yet wonderfully written, taking you directly to small town West Virginia. Sixteen-year-old Shae thinks she's found a new friend in Cam, who is a year her senior, when they meet at school. Soon she and Cam are hanging out, listening to music, and parking by the town lake. Suddenly Shae is pregnant, and everything she planned for her life changes. At the same time, Cam starts changing, wearing Shae's clothes and makeup. Shae's birth story goes terribly wrong, requiring an emergency C-section, and the doctors cut her bladder during the procedure. She's given opiates for the pain, and her whole world tilts.

The oxy blurs Shae's frayed edges, helping her cope with being a teenage mother and with the fact that Cam is transitioning. Shae can't confront reality or change, including Cam's transition. She's unable to talk to Cam, her mom, or anyone, really. As Cam transitions, she pulls away from Shae's small life: going to college, making friends, moving away. But Shae, she's stuck in her rural little life, running with the wrong crowd and increasingly hooked on drugs.

Maren illustrates how drug use and addiction can unravel a person's life. She does so starkly and in terrifying detail, introducing us to the cast of small town lowlifes who help keep Shae hooked on drugs and displaying how easy it is for them to find opiates--and eventually what lengths they'll go to keep their supply up. It's horrible that Shae's addiction stems from her teen pregnancy and subsequent botched C-section. She loves her daughter dearly, but she's not enough to get Shae away from the drugs. Neither is Cam.

Cam does not always come across as sympathetic, but she's the foil to Shae: she comes from a background of even greater poverty, with a harder road due to her transition. But Cam works hard to better herself, be authentic, and to give Eva the best care possible. Watching her grow and flourish while Shae regresses only makes the situation more depressing.

This book is difficult to read sometimes because it's so real and so sad. This is a powerful read about young motherhood and the hold addiction carries. 4.5 stars.

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She's never learned how to live for today: DAYS OF WONDER.

Days of Wonder by Caroline Leavitt
My rating: 4 of 5 stars

Caroline Leavitt is such a wonderful and unique writer. I know I can always count on her for a different and riveting story. DAYS OF WONDER is no exception. This is not necessarily a happy or uplifting book, but wow, it makes you think. Ella falls madly in love with Jude as a teenager, and the pair spend all their time together, including days at her apartment with Ella's mom, Helen. They avoid Jude's angry and bitter father, a judge who resents him for his mother's death. But when Ella is accused of trying to murder Jude's dad, he pulls strings and she's sent to prison for 25 years, while Jude has no consequences. Neither can remember that night, which doesn't make things any easier.

In prison, Ella discovers she's pregnant and reluctantly gives the baby up for adoption after Jude terminates his parental rights. But when she's released early--after only six years--she's determined to track down her child. What follows is an oft heartbreaking tale of Ella trying to reclaim her life, her child, and her own self while dealing with reentering society as a convicted felon.

WONDER is a little meandering at times, with various plot points that run off in various directions, but it's also captivating. All of our characters are flawed but intriguing, with Ella at the center. She doesn't always make the best decisions, but she has a good heart. The story is told in alternating POV and timelines, between present-day and then flashing to the past, leading up to what happened to the judge. In this way, it serves as part mystery, as no one knows exactly what happened that night, and part literary fiction, probing the bonds between mother and daughter and parent and child. Through Helen's relationship with Ella and then Ella's relationship (or lack thereof) with her daughter, we learn about the sacrifices made for our children... even the decisions the warped judge makes in terms of Jude.

This is such a thoughtful story, and so poignant. I was completely caught up in Ella's world and life. I honestly would read a sequel to learn more about her future. Leavitt's writing is gorgeous, and this is such a different, enjoyable tale, even if the subject matter is often serious and sad. 4+ stars.

I received a copy of this book from Netgalley and Algonquin Books in return for an unbiased review.

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Y, A to Z Challenge: YOUNG JANE YOUNG.

Young Jane Young by Gabrielle Zevin
My rating: 3 of 5 stars

An emotional, character-driven tale

This is the twenty-fifth book in my #atozchallenge! I'm challenging myself to read a book from my shelves that starts with each letter of the alphabet. Let's clear those shelves and delve into that backlist!

YOUNG JANE YOUNG weaves together the story of five women--Rachel Grossman, who worries about her college-aged daughter, Aviva and her future. Jane Young, who lives in Maine with her daughter, Ruby. Ruby Young, who has led a quiet life with her mom, until now. Embeth Levin, the wife of a famous congressman. And Aviva Grossman, who became Internet famous after a terrible scandal. These five women are bound together by this scandal and the man at its center.

This was an interesting read, told from the perspective of each of our female protagonists. Zevin is excellent at portraying different voices, from young Ruby to the older Rachel and Embeth, and I really enjoyed how strong of a storyteller she was. Some of the women's stories were told in unique formats, such as all email or a "choose your own adventure" style. It was different, took a little getting used to, but overall worked for this book.

This is less of an action packed tale than a character-driven one, focused on how Aviva's actions affect everyone going forward. It has a political bent, but centers more around emotion, relationships, and family. It does a good job portraying the double standards applied to women--in politics, in marriage, and more. My favorite character was probably Ruby, but I thought Zevin did a good job of bringing each woman to life and showing their complex feelings and flaws.

I would have liked more of an ending to this story, especially finding out what was next for Ruby and Rachel. But this was an interesting and different read, and I'm glad I picked it up. As always, as I get nearly to the end of the alphabet, I'm glad my challenge has gotten me to choose some books I might not have otherwise.

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And wait my turn to burn or fade: WITH OR WITHOUT YOU.

With or Without You by Caroline Leavitt
My rating: 4 of 5 stars

Stella and Simon have been together nearly twenty years. Simon, a rock musician, has spent most of those waiting for his one big break. He thinks he's found it now, but right before he and Stella are set to leave for California for the show that could change his life, she falls into a coma. Now Simon faces a choice: get on the plane with his band, or remain behind with his love. As for Stella, she's aware of the world around her while in the coma, and when she emerges, she's different, with a newfound artistic talent. Together, Simon and Stella must reexamine their relationship and figure out the path forward.

What a beautiful and striking novel. I discovered Caroline Leavitt through the power of ARCs in 2016, falling in love with her work through Cruel Beautiful World. She gives us another book filled with compelling characters here. I so enjoyed reading a book with a different plot, especially knowing that the coma story was somewhat based on Leavitt's own life. She's a remarkable writer in so many ways.

With or Without You is incredibly well-written--almost poetic at times. It's told from both Simon and Stella's perspectives, including while Stella's in her coma, and some of those moments are quite profound and touching. Both Stella's realizations as she struggles to realize where she is, and Simon's, as he tries to grapple with the idea of his partner being ill, as well as the awareness that he may be losing his last chance at fame and fortune as his band moves on without him.

"It's a kind of blankness. She's been erased for a while and then redrawn. When she comes back, she always feels a little bit better..."

Even worse for both Simon and Stella is the fact that they fought shortly before she fell into the coma. What kind of relationship, each wonders, would they come back into should Stella awake? In this way, Leavitt gives a beautiful character study: an in-depth observation into a flawed relationship. It just happens to be a relationship where a woman enters and exits a coma. It's an amazing look into love, loyalty, and loss. The novel makes you think, drawing you into the characters. What would you do in Simon's situation, you think? Or Stella's?

"Mostly she thought of all the things that she herself wanted, and like Simon's dreams, they had an expiration date she couldn't ignore."

Overall, I quite enjoyed this novel. It's so well-done and such a different and intriguing look at two people trying to find happiness. I love Leavitt's way with words. 4 stars.

I received a copy of this novel from Algonquin Books and Netgalley in return for an unbiased review.

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You picked me up just right when I was stuck: IN THE ROLE OF BRIE HUTCHENS.

In the Role of Brie Hutchens... by Nicole Melleby

My rating: 4 of 5 stars


Brie Hutchens is an eighth-grader at a Catholic school. She loves soap operas and dreams of being the star of the school play. She wants to go to drama school next year. Brie also has feelings that she's pretty sure are different than the other kids at her school. For instance, she gets a fluttery feeling looking at photos online of her favorite soap opera actress. But when Brie's (very religious) mom walks in on her doing so, Brie freaks out and tells her Mom she's been chosen to crown the Mary statue at her school's ceremony. She hasn't of course, and even worse, she probably stands no chance at earning the gig, since it usually goes to a top student. One like Kennedy, whom Brie usually avoids. But as Brie starts to spend a little more time with Kennedy, she realizes Kennedy gives her the same feeling as that soap actress. And that none of this is going to make her mother happy (or help her crown Mary).

This is a very sweet, heartwarming, and touching story about a young girl finding her way and finding herself. I'm a sucker for coming of age stories, but when they are lesbian coming of age stories? I'm sold. Brie is an interesting character, who even comes across a little ungrateful at times--though perhaps she's just a typical teenager. She's embarrassed her dad works at her school and often seems a bit self-centered and in her own world. Okay, yeah, she's a teenager. But her battle with her sexual identity is certainly one I could identify with and it's presented in a lovely and truthful way. It's exactly the kind of book kids this age need, especially teens being raised in a religious environment.

The book is more religious than I expected, but it's not off-putting. As someone whose first love love came from a religious Catholic family, I saw so much of my past life in this book. I loved the fact that Brie is a soap fan--as kid who grew up loving Dallas, Days of Our Lives, Passions, and Sunset Beach, this part of the book was totally fun. Yet, Melleby worked in the angle in a serious way, too, as Brie uses soaps as a way to realize that maybe she isn't so different after all (thank you, soaps, for having some progressive characters ahead of your time).


"But when Brie and her mom sat in the living room, watching their soaps, Brie forgot they had so little in common."


Brie is fun and sweet and she's decidedly her own person, yet scared of how her religious mom and her Catholic school friends might see her if she reveals she likes girls. Her agonizing over this, her fear of coming out, is raw and realistic. The difficultly of coming out really resonates here, and Melleby does a wonderful job capturing how hard it is, even now.

Overall, this is a lovely and tender book--funny and sweet--and a great children's/YA read. If you love coming of age stories, YA novels, or any LQBTIA youth fiction, I think this novel will tug at your heartstrings.

A huge thanks to Kejana from Algonquin Young Readers for my copy. Look for this book on 6/30/2020!

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Start burning down the broken doors: JUST FLY AWAY.

Just Fly Away by Andrew McCarthy

My rating: 3 of 5 stars


Lucy is fifteen and enjoying what seems to be a happy, normal life with her parents and younger sister when she has a bombshell dropped on her: her father has an eight-year-old son with another woman. And they live only a few blocks away. When Lucy learns of this news, she is incredibly angry at both her parents: her father for cheating on her mother and keeping the secret, and her mother, for passively remaining with her father and not telling her daughters what happened. Lucy wants to return to happier times, but she finds herself unable to move past her father's news.

I didn't love this book and for a while, didn't think this would even get up to a three-star review. It did grow on me by the end: mostly due to Lucy's relationship with her grandfather, who was perhaps my favorite character in the novel. Alas, I never really connected with Lucy, and I didn't completely find her voice authentic. The beginning of the novel was quite slow, and there were a few points where I wasn't really sure I wanted to keep reading. It's really a rather sad and serious book, and it seems to meander a bit, with no real ultimate point. The overall plot, as well as the small details, seem to veer off on weird tangents. Do we focus on Lucy's anger at her father? Or her growing up, exploring boys and teenage life? Or maybe her grandfather and his strained relationship with Lucy's father? Often, there were many times where I found myself wondering why the author felt the need to include certain details, or include a particular plot point.

At times, Lucy felt incredibly self-involved, even for a teenager, and I wasn't sure if her anger--which seemed to be meant to serve as the main plot device--was really that justified. As I said, when the book shifts and Lucy comes into contact with her grandfather, it did pick up, and I found myself enjoying it more. This could be perhaps because Lucy felt less time focusing on her father's betrayal, and we could get to know her a bit better. Still, I would have liked to have seen more character development, less tangents, and just a better developed voice for Lucy. This one barely grazed 3 stars for me, but it is McCarthy's first novel (albeit I'm sure he can always fall back on that acting career!), and I can see some potential here.

I received a copy of this novel from the publisher and Netgalley (thank you!) in return for an unbiased review; it is available everywhere as of 03/28/2017.

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